I loathe it because my name is Duncan, and many well-meaning friends and relatives gave me the recording one Christmas. Slim Dusty: “Duncan” Little known outside Australasia, a huge hit for an aging Aussie C&W star. Mama & Papas: “California Dreamin’” So he only goes to church when it’s cold outside? That preacher should turf him out before he rifles the poor box!ĭire Straits: “Sultans of Swing” Another overplayed, overrated number that outstayed its welcome. Some more personal stinkers (only a few of which, thankfully, lend themselves to community singing): Hearing this song makes me lose the will to live. Through the eyes of love you’ll see a thousand stars (she got wise and punched you in the face, right?) Oh, dance, dance, dance to my ten guitarsĪnd very soon you’ll know just where you are (maybe you were lost in the woods?)

They come from miles around to hear them play a melody (“they” are easily pleased)īeneath the stars my ten guitars will play a song for you (why ten anyway? Ten guitarists playing together usually sound like a mess)Īnd if you’re with the one you love, this is what you do: I have a band of men and all they is play for me (sounds like slave labour) But some fool of a radio station jock started playing it and before you could cut his throat, it was a smash. On the flip side, never to be heard, was where it belonged. Now, many of you may never have heard this song, for the very good reason that it was written by his manager in five minutes because they needed a B-side for his huge hit “Please Release Me” (another beer-soaked classic). Number one in the Puke Charts is “Ten Guitars” by Engelbert Humperdinck. I dub them “songs you can still remember when you’re smashed”. These can be heard in bars and parties up and down the land after a few people have had too much to drink, and some idiot pulls out a guitar. I live in New Zealand, where we have an unfortunate weakness for soppy singalong numbers.

Ankh morpork times iconographer